Consumed

As I sit here and think about my day,
I cannot digest how I've really felt the past week.
 
I love this guy more than anything in the whole wide world. Honestly, the world doesn't really matter to me. I rushed into this relationship, I know. I've always been the spontaneous one, but I've always been the one to shy away from risks. But in Early April of this year I decided I didn't care whether or not I was ready. If someone was going to take a chance with me, I'll put my faith in him.
 
At first, I wasn't sure of it. That's how I usually am. I've always been this way. I've been hurt too many times and earlier this year was beyond rough for not only me but, my friends who stuck around to help me. I confided in the little friends I could trust. I had many friends, not close friends. I was raised to only trust my blood. Anyways, speaking of my friends, I wish I wasn't so nice. Many would say otherwise, but I have the habit to take anyone in and be their friend, because everyone deserves someone. And even if at the end they choose a different path and leave me behind, I'm still happy I made a difference.
 
Being nice, giving to others, those little things I did to repay people back for their kindness - I figured out I was doing it all wrong. I should be giving back when people give. Instead, I take, take and take without any appreciation until it's time to appreciate someone. And I learned from my big mistake. I've been hurt so often, that I feel foolish for not knowing this before. I’ve learned.
 
I’ve always been the one to be reassured that I’m loved. I mean for someone who’s been hurt so many times, love is all I need. I just want to be loved. I may overuse the word ‘love’. But I promise that each time I say the words, ‘I love you’ it doesn’t mean any less than the time before. I just love to be loved and I love to love other people.
 
Back to what I was speaking about before, I met this kind gentleman. And gentle he was to me. I talked to him before, but I was too oblivious to see that he may actually be the one. So, I’m a lucky girl to be the one he chose to be with. This guy, his tender touch, his charm, his humor – that I like to poke fun of, he’s so endearing. This guy is loveable in every single way. He made me feel like a Princess. He did everything to make me feel like I was on cloud nine and that this was where he thought I belonged. And you know the saying, “You don’t know what you’re missing until it’s gone.” Well, we broke up. He said he wanted to break up, so he could ‘miss’ me. I hope that is the meaning he’s trying to get. He’s gone. I know what I’m missing. And I’m willing to try anything, everything to get this guy back. I understand that I was lucky to be with him. I just wish that he can see what he’s missing too. I’ve always helped him in any way I could. I helped him with college stuff, with recruitment, I’ve taken him to get food, I’ve nurtured him, entertained him, loved him. I’ve always been beside him when it came to his decisions. I don’t think he’ll ever find a girl like me. I know that’s selfish to say, and this isn’t what I’m trying to get at but, I love him and I hope he loves me as much as I do him. I do realize how much of a burden I was. I will change. Everyone deserves a second chance. I want another shot at love with him. I know time is the essence, but there’s only so long till a person has to move on. Moving on is different than giving up. I will never give up on him. I just hope the wait isn’t long, because if he loved me as much as he says he does then he won’t make me wait. Because he knows that I’ll stand in the pouring rain waiting for him to come home. And when a person stands in the rain too long with open arms, they get kind of sick. I’m sure he doesn’t want that for me. Whenever we’re together it’s like the whole world doesn’t matter as long as I was in his arms. He stole my heart and honestly, it’s only right for me to steal his last name. I can see myself with this handsome young man for a long time, a lifetime. I just need another shot to make him happy again. Jonathan Andrew Leroy Stewart, I hope you realize how much you mean to me and how much I mean to you. I hope you know that I support you 100% and I'm your biggest fan. Jon, I love you. Will you take me back?


From the bottom of my heart,

Megan Khay Phimmasone [insert your last name if you will]

P.S. I love you more than love itself. And that's beyond life.

 

Lost Draft

I found this draft in my blogs.
This was never published, maybe because it was never finished.
But I'm going to go ahead and publish it now anyways.

(REMINDER: This was composed at the beginning of SUMMER 2012)

I'm not sure of how to feel.
I'm not sure of how to think.
And honestly I'm at a complete stop.

Summer 2012 has begun.

At first it was overwhelming. Then things begun to sink in. I got comfortable. At this moment I'm speaking of my relationship with Jonathan Andrew Leroy Stewart, not summer. At first I wasn't sure if being committed was the right step to take at this point of my life. The past few months were rough. I couldn't set my heart up for disaster and heartache. I was just about to graduate and I knew that college was coming up. The thoughts of being in a relationship the summer before I leave to college concerned me. But I thought to myself and 'YOLOed' it. An opportunity was placed in front of me. I gave it a little thought and took a chance with love.

And that being said, I'm not going to lie and say we are the perfect couple, experiencing every perfect moment together. We have our ups and downs and we fight through them, side by side, hand in hand. He annoys the shit out of me. I sometimes want to push him out of a moving train. But it's okay. He's a nice guy sometimes. I mean yeah. Hahah okay, I'm just kidding. But really. What can I say to describe our relationship? He's a typical male. You know, can't eat without spilling things on his shirt, burps and farts, everything's basically a joke, and competes with anyone about everything. Yeah, a typical guy. But he sometimes has that cute boyfriend persona. He kisses me passionately. And holds me tight when I'm cold. And keeps me safe.

College

The run-down of my college experience so far.

I’m about a month into my first semester of college. And I can honestly say it’s pretty much what I expected it to be. Move-In Day was a great day. I was a first year on campus. I had that free, open-minded spirit flowing around me. I went to the pavilion, grabbed my room key, and then the nervousness hit me.

 I was hoping my roommate would be decent.  I mean who wants to be stuck with that creeper psycho, hover-over-you-when-you-sleep kind of roommate? No one does, unless you’re creepier than that creepy roommate. But anyways, I walked into the room and to my surprise she was a nice girl. Jessica is her name, a girl from a little town outside Mansfield, OH. Taller than I, she was a brunette. She played sports in high school before and gets decent grades. So she was nothing to be scared of. We got all our stuff settled in, hung out with our parents before they left and did all that first day stuff. When it got late we were out. There was nothing to it. We woke up the next day and to our surprise nothing. We didn’t feel weird at all. There was no uneasiness to it. That’s the day we knew we were going to be comfortable around each other.

Classes were in session August 27^th. Man, oh man. I’m glad I have Taylor. If it wasn’t for her I seriously may have not made it on my first day. Knowing no one is a horrible feeling. All the freshmen are thinking the same thing, ‘I don’t have friends. I need friends,’ yet not a single person came out and asked if anyone wanted to be friends. Honestly that was the most awkward feeling I’ve had in college so far. That’s beside the point. Back to talking about classes, the first week wasn’t horrible. I was printing off notes, organizing my binders, reading chapters, highlighting, and buying extra supplies. Man, oh man. As days went by, my notes got less accomplished, my reading was behind and then all of a sudden, I had no motivation to get any of it done other than that I was paying thousands and thousands of dollars to go here. I’ve made friends with the girls in my Learning Community, attended SI (supplement learning), and I’ve even scheduled a one on one tutoring session for my Anatomy & Physiology class tomorrow with Andrew T. Things I would have never thought to do in high school. I mean, who honestly studies in high school? I didn’t. 

To recap a little about what’s going on, I have my first practical and exam this Thursday, It’s my first weekend here, Greek Formal Recruitment is coming up, and a bunch of other shenanigans will be going on here soon.

I’m just going to tell you high school kids that college isn’t anything you want to rush into. High school was a blast compared to all this studying and late nights. I mean yeah the weekend is fun for those who like to have a ‘good time’. But the week is rough. Those who got A’s and B’s without studying. Just simply be aware that you’re going to go from those grades without studying to having to study at least  4-5 hours a day and still only receiving B’s and high C’s.  Frankly, I wish I could have just stayed in high school and took those classes for years than take these hard classes.

 

You Decide For Yourself

Every decision you make in life is in the end on your own.Whether or not people influence you, no one can make you do anything.
Influence is a big part of every teenagers life, whether you think so or not.
You are ALWAYS under the influence. Somehow, someway.

No, life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. Make yourself who you want to be and if there are obstacles that take you in the wrong direction, create a new path, you decide your destiny.

To find yourself, you to need to be open. Make paths, make goals. You are your future. You decide who you are, you are yourself. When people say they need to find themselves and they use it as an excuse to part ways, it's just an excuse. If they really wanted to be with you, they'd include you in their lives. They'd make you apart of them. "I need to find myself before we can be together." No, include me in your life, I will be apart of you. You will find yourself with me and all those who love you.

My life.
College is just around the corner. I haven't made the decision to commit anywhere yet. It's between Notre Dame College where I have been offered a cheer squad position and a full ride but not intended major or the university of my choice The University of Cincinnati which has my intended major; radiology.. It's really hard. To be honest, I don't want to be in debt, but I do want to pursue my career in a more straight forward manner. Nursing is a second route. Radiology is a first. Which one should I pick? It's hard and if make the wrong choice, I'll learn from it, make changes and move on. The end. But, I'll never know whether or not I will be making the right choice from the wrong, unless I live it. It's going to be rough, but you only live one. Decisions will be made. Signing day is tomorrow. I'm proud of all the seniors of 2012. We're almost there.

Always fearing to live in a shadow.

It really isn't the shadow I fear.


The world is full of a million things, a million thoughts, a million people, and a million people with the same thoughts. And sometimes it's good to be surrounded by people that agree with you, but it's not bad to be that one person to think differently. I'd like to say, I enjoy finding ways to be diverse. Because what's the point of following the footsteps of someone, when you've got a whole world of opportunities hidden beneath an uncovered path? A path yet traveled. I guess the only point is to continue in their footsteps, and to complete an unfinshed path. Both are exceptional ways to live. I just don't enjoy being a follower or someone else's finisher. I'd rather start a new exploration, and if I don't finish it by the end of my life, maybe just maybe it was meant to be that way. Maybe it was a never ending journey. And maybe, someone who isn't like me can continue in my footsteps. So you can decide, you can finish or continue in someone's footsteps or make your own path that can one day be explored by someone else. It isn't the shadow I fear to walk, it's the thought that I can start something new. And being the indecisive girl that I am, it's just going to take time for me to decide which path I want to take.

That's really it on my point of view when it comes to following vs. leading.

Enough has happened

To post again..

Not a lot has happened.
But enough has happened to bring us to where we stand today.

I know we weren’t together long. I know we didn’t do much, but the memories we shared will always be remembered.  I’m going to be honest and say that you, sir have helped build me up to the person I am today. Fore it wasn’t for you; I wouldn’t be the same girl that stands strongly before you. And every time you decide to talk down upon me, remember you were the one that helped shape me.  All the times you’ve hurt me, I’ve become stronger. And for all the times you lied to me, I’ve learned to not trust anyone like you. So as I’ve gotten all this off my mind, here I go as I quote songs. ‘Take your records take your freedom, take your memories I don’t need’em. Take your space and take your reasons, but you’ll think of me.’ ‘After all of the stealing and cheating, you’ll probably think I hold resentment for you. But you’re wrong. ‘Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do, I wouldn’t know just how capable I am to pull through. So I wanna say thank you ‘cause it makes me that much stronger. Makes me work a little bit harder, it makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter.’

Just a quick brush up; School ----

We’ve been in school for about four weeks now. Short cycle assessments are right around the corner, along with spirit week, and homecoming. We’ve had our first rally, fire drill, picture day has passed, and the freshmen have finally settled in. Seniors, I’m pretty sure we’ve all got senioritis.  We’ve had our wins and we’ve had our losses.  My last football homecoming game is this Friday. Circleville Tigers, time to be tamed. I’ve been honored to be chosen once again as someone to represent our class on the homecoming court once again, along with Alicia Mounts, Erina Flaherty, Megan McClain, Ashton Evans, Caleb Brown, Cole Freshkorn and Caleb Morris. I’m glad I get to walk it with my best friend Caleb Morris though. I feel like each candidate represents the school in a different way, versatility has always been one of our classes biggest trait, we represent it well. Tomorrow is my last honors assembly. For a second there I thought I didn’t get invited. Phew, I did. Yay!

I really didn’t say much in this, I’m kinda of stressed. Sorry L

You've just got to do it.

With an, 'I know I can, I know I can' mentality.

Senior year, oh how long I’ve been yearning for you. Day one, you hit me hard. I was so excited to walk through those doors as a SENIOR. I went to every class, had insiders with old teachers, mingled with peers and made new friends. The whole day went by and not a tear had rolled down my pretty little face. I thought too soon. As soon as the 2:15 bell rang and I gathered all my stuff and went out to the parking lot, it hit me.  I was a senior, this is my last year. Last year’s graduates were in the parking lot and it just made everything so much more real. They’re out there going to college now, they get up when they want, attend classes they want and work super hard to buy things they want. This is the last year for a lot of us to take advantage of what we have NOW.

It’s only been the fourth day of senior year and I’m a bit sick of it already. Yeah I bet a bunch of you wouldn’t have guessed it. Megan Khay Phimmasone is finally all senior-pooped out. It’s not senior year that has me all exhausted. It’s the people. You know that first day feeling, how you can’t wait to go and see all your friends, enemies and acquaintances? Well, that got old real quick. Yeah, I’ve seen them. Now I’m done.

Ok, time to quit being a Negative Nancy. Everything from here on out is going to be excitable. I’m going to make do with everything put in front of me. I’m going to keep my whining and complaining to a minimum. I mean it’s the last time I’m going to be doing a lot of this and I don’t need to waste minutes at a time doing something stupid. Make what you want out what people give you.  I didn’t complain about the crazy scheduling. It was my last time getting a high school schedule, why complain. I didn’t whine about Mr. Cote, this is my last year with my favorite teacher. I didn’t whine about going to cheerleading practice or following the dress code and school conduct. This is it. The standards in high school help you become the person you are in the future. The dress code makes us look better and will keep us looking classy in the long run, rather than trashy like…. [Insert ghetto school here]. Teehee.

All in all, I’m glad this is my senior year. And I couldn’t be any happier about who I get to spend it with. The staff are welcoming, the students – well they’re students, the environment and the education it’s all excellent. I'm going to take everything, and make it big. It's a go hard or go home year. Seriously. If you've wanted to do it, this is the year, this is it. It’s been a great 12 years one more to go.