Always fearing to live in a shadow.

It really isn't the shadow I fear.


The world is full of a million things, a million thoughts, a million people, and a million people with the same thoughts. And sometimes it's good to be surrounded by people that agree with you, but it's not bad to be that one person to think differently. I'd like to say, I enjoy finding ways to be diverse. Because what's the point of following the footsteps of someone, when you've got a whole world of opportunities hidden beneath an uncovered path? A path yet traveled. I guess the only point is to continue in their footsteps, and to complete an unfinshed path. Both are exceptional ways to live. I just don't enjoy being a follower or someone else's finisher. I'd rather start a new exploration, and if I don't finish it by the end of my life, maybe just maybe it was meant to be that way. Maybe it was a never ending journey. And maybe, someone who isn't like me can continue in my footsteps. So you can decide, you can finish or continue in someone's footsteps or make your own path that can one day be explored by someone else. It isn't the shadow I fear to walk, it's the thought that I can start something new. And being the indecisive girl that I am, it's just going to take time for me to decide which path I want to take.

That's really it on my point of view when it comes to following vs. leading.

Enough has happened

To post again..

Not a lot has happened.
But enough has happened to bring us to where we stand today.

I know we weren’t together long. I know we didn’t do much, but the memories we shared will always be remembered.  I’m going to be honest and say that you, sir have helped build me up to the person I am today. Fore it wasn’t for you; I wouldn’t be the same girl that stands strongly before you. And every time you decide to talk down upon me, remember you were the one that helped shape me.  All the times you’ve hurt me, I’ve become stronger. And for all the times you lied to me, I’ve learned to not trust anyone like you. So as I’ve gotten all this off my mind, here I go as I quote songs. ‘Take your records take your freedom, take your memories I don’t need’em. Take your space and take your reasons, but you’ll think of me.’ ‘After all of the stealing and cheating, you’ll probably think I hold resentment for you. But you’re wrong. ‘Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do, I wouldn’t know just how capable I am to pull through. So I wanna say thank you ‘cause it makes me that much stronger. Makes me work a little bit harder, it makes me that much wiser. So thanks for making me a fighter.’

Just a quick brush up; School ----

We’ve been in school for about four weeks now. Short cycle assessments are right around the corner, along with spirit week, and homecoming. We’ve had our first rally, fire drill, picture day has passed, and the freshmen have finally settled in. Seniors, I’m pretty sure we’ve all got senioritis.  We’ve had our wins and we’ve had our losses.  My last football homecoming game is this Friday. Circleville Tigers, time to be tamed. I’ve been honored to be chosen once again as someone to represent our class on the homecoming court once again, along with Alicia Mounts, Erina Flaherty, Megan McClain, Ashton Evans, Caleb Brown, Cole Freshkorn and Caleb Morris. I’m glad I get to walk it with my best friend Caleb Morris though. I feel like each candidate represents the school in a different way, versatility has always been one of our classes biggest trait, we represent it well. Tomorrow is my last honors assembly. For a second there I thought I didn’t get invited. Phew, I did. Yay!

I really didn’t say much in this, I’m kinda of stressed. Sorry L

You've just got to do it.

With an, 'I know I can, I know I can' mentality.

Senior year, oh how long I’ve been yearning for you. Day one, you hit me hard. I was so excited to walk through those doors as a SENIOR. I went to every class, had insiders with old teachers, mingled with peers and made new friends. The whole day went by and not a tear had rolled down my pretty little face. I thought too soon. As soon as the 2:15 bell rang and I gathered all my stuff and went out to the parking lot, it hit me.  I was a senior, this is my last year. Last year’s graduates were in the parking lot and it just made everything so much more real. They’re out there going to college now, they get up when they want, attend classes they want and work super hard to buy things they want. This is the last year for a lot of us to take advantage of what we have NOW.

It’s only been the fourth day of senior year and I’m a bit sick of it already. Yeah I bet a bunch of you wouldn’t have guessed it. Megan Khay Phimmasone is finally all senior-pooped out. It’s not senior year that has me all exhausted. It’s the people. You know that first day feeling, how you can’t wait to go and see all your friends, enemies and acquaintances? Well, that got old real quick. Yeah, I’ve seen them. Now I’m done.

Ok, time to quit being a Negative Nancy. Everything from here on out is going to be excitable. I’m going to make do with everything put in front of me. I’m going to keep my whining and complaining to a minimum. I mean it’s the last time I’m going to be doing a lot of this and I don’t need to waste minutes at a time doing something stupid. Make what you want out what people give you.  I didn’t complain about the crazy scheduling. It was my last time getting a high school schedule, why complain. I didn’t whine about Mr. Cote, this is my last year with my favorite teacher. I didn’t whine about going to cheerleading practice or following the dress code and school conduct. This is it. The standards in high school help you become the person you are in the future. The dress code makes us look better and will keep us looking classy in the long run, rather than trashy like…. [Insert ghetto school here]. Teehee.

All in all, I’m glad this is my senior year. And I couldn’t be any happier about who I get to spend it with. The staff are welcoming, the students – well they’re students, the environment and the education it’s all excellent. I'm going to take everything, and make it big. It's a go hard or go home year. Seriously. If you've wanted to do it, this is the year, this is it. It’s been a great 12 years one more to go.

Scholarship Essay

My first scholarship essay submitted.
The times finally here, to start applying.It's never to early to start.

What was the most difficult time in your life, and why?

How did your perspective on life change as a result of this difficulty?

 

Not everyone is perfect, despite what they say. Every person stumbles upon a difficult time or hardship in their life. Sometimes it’s something as small as being scared to leave their mommy and daddy on the first day of kindergarten to having to apply for college their senior year of high school. Times get rough, we learn from it, and we move on.

I’d like to say that I am almost an adult and I’m growing up faster than I’d like. College is just around the corner and regardless, of how excited I am, I’m terrified of going away and leaving my family. They’ve been preparing me for the time I’d have to pack up my bags and leave to pursue something bigger and better. They’ve been preparing for the day I’d have to say, “Goodbye, see you later.”

Considering I’m only seventeen years old, I believe that the most difficult time I’ve had in my life would actually be this past year and it will continue into this year as well.  As a teenager I’ve said that I couldn’t wait to go to college to escape high school, to move out of my parent’s house, and to not be considered a kid anymore.  Now that I’ve thought about it, I can wait. I’m not ready to schedule classes on my own. I’m not ready to push myself to get up in the morning and I sure am not ready to push myself to continue schooling for four more years. Just when I thought school was finally going to be over, I remembered that college was next.  I’m not ready, but I’m going to have to sooner or later. I guess the time is now.

Junior year was beyond difficult. Our teachers stressed how everything we did would be important. They made sure that we wouldn’t slack off. They hammered the fact that our junior year is what really sends us to college. They made sure we received all the information necessary in order to take the ACT. They pushed us. Now that senior year is here, it’s time for all of us to apply to colleges, to send our ACT scores, to go on college visits, to think about what major we’re going to pursue and to get ready for the next four years of our lives. This is the most difficult time of my life.  These are the things I’m going to have to do. My teachers can’t hold my hand during the visits or pick my major for me. They gave me all the information and it’s my job to take it and make what I want out of it.

As of result of all this thinking, I’ve learned that growing up isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. It’s not all about fun and games. You do the things you have to do, so you can do the things you want to do. It’s as simple as that, even if we don’t necessarily think it is. I’m going to have to grow faster than I thought I would. Senior year here I come. Ready, set, go.

I'll post again this week.

This summer’s gonna be different.

I’m growing up, Things changed,
And I’m living to learn. Learning to live.


I’m finally seventeen. I’m finally a senior. I’m finally trusted.

I’ve acquired that Hamilton is where my heart is, but it’s not injurious to explore. I’ve been introduced to a bunch of new people lately, Teays Valley kids for the most part. And at first it was gauche, but now I’m accustomed to the occurrence.  I am subjected to new friends from left to right. And I can’t say I’m dissatisfied. I didn’t think it would take this long for me to break out of my HT shell, but it did. Kayla Harmon is upcoming sophomore best friend from Teays is ridiculously cute. I love her. And my other best friend Maria Rene’ Wilkins is just the best. We’re the three best friends that anyone could have J


 There hasn’t been a summer where I was single since before middle school. And I’m getting used to the fact I have to wake myself up in the morning, I can text who ever I want when I want, make plans with who I want and just be free of apprehension. The only downfall, there’s no one there you can rely on to just be there.  Oh well. Glad I’m a strong minded independent girl. I’ve been telling myself that I’m going to stay solo, so I can experience this summer. Who knows how the rest of  it is going to conclude? I sure don’t. know. Single or taken I’ll be a happy girl. It’s going to be a super senior summer. I’m going to make the best of it.

P.s. Owen Dorsey <3 we’re going to accomplish this date list whether or not we’re dating.

Bring me back to the summer.

Bring me back to the summer, For I was content.
You had my heart, haven’t felt the same way since.

I miss ways. I miss things. I miss love and most of all I miss you. Bring me back. Back to the way things were and how they used to be. Bring me to the days where I could smile, worry free. Not a single undesirable thought would trickle through my mind, unless it was the thought of losing you of course. Bring me back to the days where I was carefree and my innocence was blithe. Never in a day would I have thought I’d lose you for the most injudicious reasons and decisions. I’m not the kind to have remorse, but I wish I never lost you.


Do I have to explain? Every diminutive detail to the point meant something of value. Every aspect of us was delightful. Ke$ha, 3OH!3, and McDonalds. I told you everyday that , “I better find your lovin’, I better find your heart.” You were one of the only individuals that could actually steer me in the right direction, literally. I never had the desire to just take long walks with anyone ever. Or risk getting in trouble in order to play silly flashlight games throughout the night. I never thought I’d get over the fear of roller coasters. But as long as I was with you the altitude of our love overrode any elevation you could put me on and the strength of your heart overpowered any g-force I feared. And because you were slightly shy, I felt like you completed my overly extrovert-self. I was always excited to wake up in the morning, despite my appearance to see your face whether it was in person or behind a computer screen. I felt so comfortable with you. I got to be myself. There never was anything to hide. I trusted you with everything I had. I’m very thankful for all that you’ve done. I just hope that if you ever read this, you’ll be revitalized. I hope these memories come easy to you. All in all, I just hope you know I still love you.


-- note: things that were stated in the past tense may still be taking action.

Forever more, I'll be walking through these open doors.

Can't be with or without you.

You should never let anyone be an exception.
You should never let anyone bring you down.
You should never let anyone affect your decisions.

But, you are the only exception. I know the saying is quite clichéd to say, nevertheless you do in fact carry out the exact definition of the word. No one in their right mind would understand why, unless they actually sat down and pondered about it. And then again no one in their right mind would ever even take a minute to think about it. You, my dear are my everything. I say this with all the compassion in my heart. But, our relationship hasn’t always been good. I’m quite proud of myself to tell you the truth. To actually close ties with you for periods at a time and to not go crazy, that takes a lot of strength from me. I know things don’t always go as we planned. And even when I get hurt and my heart kind of shrivels up I still feel the need to be with you.  Then that moment I’ve been talking about with my friends about how if the next you hurt me I’d leave because it’s the best thing to do comes, I actually do in fact leave. Though that moment only last for a month at the longest I feel a sense of accomplishment. And that maybe, just maybe my dignity finally caught up with me. Then, I catch myself falling for you again. Falling for your little tricks, your games and your charm. That, I don’t down on myself upon. You’re just so good at that, how could anyone help themselves from falling into that mockery? I wouldn’t know. I’ve fallen every single time. As I read this to myself I get confused. Am I trying to say I love you or am I trying to say I don’t in fact need you. I’m not all that sure. I just can’t be with or without you. That the thing and will always be the thing. Will I move on with my life? Or is this how it’s supposed to be? Are we meant to be, should we be? Did God just decide that wanting to be with each other is our goal and that the game of trying to be with each other despite the consequences entertains us. And that no matter how many times we succeed and fail, we keep going on and on. Who knows, I sure don’t.


I just can’t be with or without you.