Back to December.

The fall has fallen, the winter has risen.

I hate having to wake up every morning with horrible thoughts of how much things have changed; how things used to be.  I still remember how everything was exactly three hundred and sixty five days ago.  I sort of wish things hadn’t changed. I dislike December for so many reasons, but I like it for just as many as well.

Last year, it was a month of ups and downs. A month where I can say I was, “in love”, “heart broken”, “emotionally psycho”, and “the happiest girl alive”. Some days I’d wake up ready to go to school all smiles. Some days I’d want to take a couple sleeping pills and head back to bed. Everything was just so topsy turvy., but a big difference between how things are and how things used to be is that I don’t have that one person to affect how I’m going to feel in the morning. This year, I get to wake up with whatever feeling. Usually it’s just the average teenagers feeling, “I hate school.”, “Snow day please!”, “Ehhh ughhh zzzz”. I can’t lie and say this year is a whole heck of a lot better. I really do miss things.  I don’t know what to say. December, you make me upset. Christmas is coming and that’s one of the biggest reasons why I’m happy. And I’m starting to play Xbox Live again, which all in all everyone knows is a bad thing. Everyone knows when I start to play video games it means I’m in the ruts. I’m trying to find a getaway. This is horrible. I need a way out. And I can’t seem to find one. Taking things as they come, one step at a time. It’s all I can do.

Forever More, Forever More.

Forever more, forever more -- I'll watch you walk out that open door.
My hearts in pieces, my soul has gone. Detroyed, demolish -- beyond wrong.
To me, you're my everything, And now, I'm lost without you.
It's like you packed your stuff up, gone far. Honolulu?


December, it's coming. The month I dread to come. It's overwhelming. My mind is spinning -- roaring with complaints. Why does this month have so many memories - bad ones, good ones just too much. I can't stand it, can't stand him. One benefit of all of this, if memories like this make works of art -- write, write on.

I can sit here all day and look at the same blank screen. I have so much to write, but not one character is typed. It's as if, looking at the screen is like watching a movie. I can sit here and see everything happening. I can make a movie, it's like my own little studio. But yet, at the end there's still nothing written. And I know it's only fair for me to share with you my works of art. But for some reason right now, right here I keet picturing myself typing; typing for days. No one can stop me. Why? I have no idea, it's what I'm thinking.

Long, short, in dept or vague each memory tells its own story - of course.

I remember when I wrote this.

To you, yes you.
You know exactly who you are.
I'm never going to forget you.
I'll put you in the back of my mind -- i miss you.
-- / --

You told me you loved me.
You said it loud and you made it bold.
You promised forever.
Why does does this line seem so old.

You told me I was your everything.
I could only make you feel this one way.
You told me that you cared for me.
So why didn't you plan to stay.

After calls, i thought about what you said.
But Now i finally realized,
You were just messing with my head.

Love is a such a powerful word.
A word people often over use.
Sometimes they take it for granted.
Sometimes they say it to amuse.

My heart has crushed inside of me.
There's misery all over the place.
I think I've really learned this time.
I've moved on.
And I'm not afraid to show my face.

Recently.

For a while, I thought I was in the safe zone -- no problems, free of everything. I thought the drama and overrated talk of horrible things were done. But I guess not. All can say is, I'm not going to let it get to me. I'm keeping my head up. The end.

As for my love life and my heart's social life. I'm doing just fine. I'm not on cloud nine, but I can't say I'm down in the ruts. I'm alright. And to those who know me well, know obviously I'm better than I have been in the past. I done and over the old stuff. It's ancient now. As for that being age-old, doesn't mean my heart has opened up. It doesn't mean I found someone else. It just means I'm ready. But do I want to? Who knows, only I would. And do I? Iunno.

Needless to say, I had to.

So, to some up the fall season. Our football team went 8-2. We had one of the best seasons a 0-10 team could ask for. But we came up short, so we didn't make it to playoffs. What was so disappointing was that a team who had lost four games made it in. None of this makes sense to me, and I doubt I'd make sense of it in the future. So I'm going to end it as is. I love the season. I love cheering at the games, watching each play and being mesmerized by everything going on. I'm going to miss the Seniors '11, they made the season. It's been great.

On the other hand, basketball season is starting and I'm truly excited. I have always had a love for the season ever since I cheered for it in the 7th grade. It's just way easier to comprehend and we're so much closer to the game. I'm hoping hoping that our school spirit is similar to what it was during football. And I'm pretty sure, that our team is going to be good. And now that basketball is starting, that means winter is around the corner as well. And you know what that means?! Indoor track (: I am beyond enthused about this. Last year was my first year and I came to find out that I was missing out all freshmen year. I cannot wait!

Football Friday Night

Will be one of the most remembered things when I get older.

Junior year has been quite a year so far. Our new and improved football team is 2-1. They're doing really well. Our volleyball teams are doing great. Our Soccer teams are doing great. Cross is running like there's no tomorrow. I love going to Hamilton. It's not always the best, but I'll always be a Ranger.

Without sports and academics I don't think I'd know where I'd be. I love my best friends. I'm getting closer to everyone again. It's been relaxing. I like it. You may say that maybe I'm changing in ways that could benefit me.

Relationships are hard to maintain and maybe it's because I ask a lot out of people. It's not because I'm needy. It's really just because I know they could do it. You just pretty much have to try. I mean, I can tell if you aren't. And If you don't want to, then it's not worth it.

I'm going to continue this later. There's not much to say.

A Brand New Day

A New Tradition,
A Brand New Gold,
So Pay Attention (:

I'd like to first start off by saying I dislike my Junior Year Schedule very much. I feel like my classes have the most random people in it. I am in too many classes with Lauren. I have math during my favorite off period, which is fourth if any of you guys wouldn't have guessed already and next year I won't have early release due to yearbook. Blah, I love school, but this is too much. Mr. Cote is a great teacher and all but two whole periods with him is again too much. I have never been so quiet in math ever, till 5th period hit me. I was almost in full dream mode.
Anyways, I'd like to announce that this upcoming Friday is our First Home Football Friday Night. I am beyond excited. I love cheering on our Varsity boys (: They've improved a lot from the end of the year to now. I mean this year is a whole new year full of new tradition. Changes for the better.

So James Dylan and I are still dating. I love him very much and couldn't be any happier. He probably thinks that I'm mad at him 24/7, but it's not anywhere close to that. I am a very complicated person and I hope he understands that. I know a lot of you guys know what I mean. I'm a freakin' girl for crying out loud what do you expect? No I'm not high maintenance, so don't get my wrong. I'm just an extremely complicated person. Until you've really learned my ways you'll probably hate my guts. But I guess I'm trying to say only the good ones stay to really figure me out. If you leave when things get hard, then I know for a fact you won't be there in the end.

I'm going to get off here early, It's 1:30am and I have school in less than 8 hours. Uh-oh.
Goodnight Bloggers (:

Your future shines bright.

Your past will always be remembered.
The present won't always go the way you want it to.
Your future on the other hand can be anything your heart desires.

Cheerleading has been nonstop. A lot hard work, dedication, teamwork, and spirit. We have to be physically and mentally in shape. You've got to want to be there. Our football team has been looking very good. And I'm definitely excited for this school year.

You do things you may or may not regret. That's your past. Plan and simple. And the things you have done have led up to be the reasons why you do the things you are doing now. The things you are doing now will one day lead up to be the reason why you do things in the future. You may or may not plan your future out, but just remember that you shape your future. What you do today may determine what you do tomorrow. You never know what the future will hold, because once you get there it will be the present. The present is yesterdays future.

I absolutely love hosting Pee Wee Camp. I enjoy watching little girls do what they love. It's crazy that so many little girls look up to us. We forget this every year until this camp comes around. Good job to the girls who have made it out to this years camp. And excellent job to those who have been coming since year one. Keep up the hard work, because the day you're out there under the Friday Night lights will be right around the corner in no time :)

I'd also like to add that I MISSSSS MY BOYFRIEND x 9868478743926141422 .

I've lost my mind.

But there's no doubt it's somewhere around here.
I've lost my mind and found it seconds later.
And seconds later I lost it again.
There's no doubt.

I haven't posted in more than a week and It has been driving me crazy. Let me start by saying that my hard drive crashed and I had to wait the whole weekend. So now I have less than a week to get my homework done. And football season is starting up again. And I cannot wait till school. I'm more than excited. But all of this is besides the point.

I keep losing my mind, my sense of control and my ability to think things through. I mean I don't lose it for long, it's less than a second I can assure you. But, the thought of actually losing it so often kind of frightens me. I fall in and out of love in what seems like a blink of an eye. I stumble upon long lost friends. I hangout with people I never thought I'd be friends with and I just have been going back and forth between who I am, who I aspire to be, and who I was. I'm not sure if that makes any sense in your minds but I'm sure you'll understand by the end of this post. I guess you could say who you were lead up to who you currently are and who you currently are leads you to who you aspire to be.

I was a all around excellent student. I was super outgoing, yet timid at the same time. I was the little sister everyone of the boys liked. I could talk to anyone without being misunderstood or misinterpreted for being "flirtatious".

Now, I'm president of the class. I'm still and all round excellent student. I like sports way more. I'm super outgoing and can be super shy at unnecessary times. My mind is always open for new things. I've been taken for the past 4 years it seems like. I absolutely love cheerleading. I hangout with my friends all the time and I keep myself busy.

I'd like to keep being a great student. I'd like to open my mind to new things a bit more. I'd like to experience something new. I want to be a bit more reserved and think about college and my future a bit more also. I want to be more patient and just an overall more mature young lady.

I love this guy. He's cool. We learn a bit more about each other everyday, no lie. I'm not fibbing. We see each other everyday whether its for a second or for 12 hours it seems like. I'm not sure if I'm falling quite yet, because I've learned to keep my walls up for a longer period. I've been known to be a soft person. I take criticism from anyone and I don't lie to hurt peoples feelings, but I do stick up for myself. I'm just not ready to be hurt again. Not that I think he'll hurt me or anything. I'm just not very sure of myself. I'm quite indecisive. I guess we'll just have to keep going. Only the future holds the truth. I know I'll be losing my mind a lot soon.

School is starting up in less than 2 weeks (: I am so beyond excited. I guess you can say I'm "geeked". I cannot wait. I am a huge nerd. I love school. Being the president makes it even more better. I love the environment, I just love everything about it. It's wonderful. I should stop talking about it, before I get too worked up.

This is intense.

I'm going crazy, it's insane.
I've got my heart pouring out.
And there's many to blame.
Because I love my life a little too much.
I love the people in it, yeah such and such.
And I love what I've become (:

I've done so much since I last posted. And I feel a little behind. I feel like I've lost a friend, a beloved one at that. And it's a bit upsetting. But, I have regained my composer and I've came to realize who my real friends are. I absolutely love who I've been hanging out with lately. They keep me grounded. I don't usually list names on my blogs, because it's just something that shouldn't be on here. So you all know who you are. I've gone everywhere and back in the last five days. From egging houses to attending Outbreak. Too much in so little time.

My relationship with him has been beyond phenomenal. I love getting to know this kid. I love him unquestionably. He just makes me super happy. I don't think I can make it sound anymore blunt, but it's true. Don't think we're always happy, we're not that perfect. We have those cute fight, I really adore. I absolutely love his family. They're just so welcoming and nice. And I never thought I'd actually get to have a little sister. So now I've got a little brother and a little sister, who I'd like to add is a cheerleader. She's mighty cute boys and again let me add she is ridin' solo. Anyways this is beside the point. I went and watched Dyl wrestle at the Ohio State Fair on Sunday. He makes me nervous and my body gets this rush of uneasiness. But in the end I know he's good.

I've been spending a lot of time with different people lately. It's not that they're new or anything just not people I've usually hung out with a lot before. I'm liking how things are going. I enjoy hanging out with different people. I love life just a little bit more now. This helps me really understand who my true friends are. I'm getting the full grasp of the big picture. Everything is becoming slightly clearer. Like they all say your true friends are the ones that stay when everyone walks out. And as some people have been walking out of my life, more have been coming and I'm not sure if you'd count them as the ones that have stayed or new friends. It's a bit confusing. It's gonna have to be something I fathom upon.

I know this wasn't much of a blog, sorry.
Thank you Taylor Ayers, Shelby Revalee, Hannah Sewell, Taylor Napier, Alexus Jacobs, Corey Crabtree, and whoever else that has been close to me lately.

Sometimes there are obstacles.

And they make things a little bit more difficult.
Obstacles aren't set up for failure.
They want you to overcome them.


Lately, I've been quite moody. And somewhat agitated with everyone and everything. But at the end of the day I still have my friends and family. Oh, let's not forget Dylan.

Obstacles are put in front of us to help us. They're there because everyone knows you can hurdle right over it. And if there weren't any hindrances in life then wouldn't life be a bit too easy? Don't expect life to be simple. It doesn't come with directions and no one wins. And if you're expecting to come out alive, then I wish you good luck, because in the end we all die.

Do not set out to look for a perfect person. Where you can share a perfect relationship and everything will be all fine and dandy. Because that's never going to happen. And if you ever come upon a relationship like that then I'm going to tell you now that it's probably the most unhealthy relationship you're going to find. Every relationship has obstacles, complications, and impediments. And the goal is to withstand them. You've got to fight to be together. It's what love is all about. And if you find the fight worth it, I'm fairly sure that you're in love. You cannot give up. Also, do not believe that because you won the last battle that the war is over. You've got many more battles to come. Fighting them together brings you closer.

So the last two weeks have been wonderful. I've met a lot of new people. I've had a lot of fun. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I'm so very glad that James Dylan Napier came into my life. It's great. I'm not saying we're perfect but through my eyes I find our relationship to be quite flawless. And I absolutely love it. He's more than a spectacular boyfriend. It's only been about 2 weeks, and I'm happier than ever. I already love the kid. I mean this is a shocker. You'd think that after everything I've been through I would take the longest time to have those feelings again. I'm not "in love", so don't get me wrong. Do not twist my words. I'm sure that will take a long long long time. But as of right now I'm genuinely blissful.

Intense conversation.

With the one I love, the one I value.
I have never been so comfortable with someone so easily.

I love him to death already. Our prolonged night of intense conversation was very much needed and was a great start to a magnificent relationship. He makes me extremely jovial. I love how we can share almost everything without feeling too uneasy. He tends to put a smile on my face if not a silly one. There isn't any other boy who can make me feel this jubilant at the moment. I believe I have acquired a lot from our great conversation. I now understand that he does in fact care for me a lot. I never thought I'd encounter another person who could effortlessly capture my soul and warm my heart. You will hear me say that often, but it's certainly true. He's as genuine as a person can get. When I asked him the usual question everyone asks, "What have you done?" He was so hesitant to answer. And it made me laugh just a little. I was thinking in my head, "What is this boy ashamed of?" In the end he came out to be the most innocent of upcoming high school students, which made me beyond pleased. He made me smile. And he has kept that smile on my face ever since. I cannot help but to say "I love you," nonstop. I love that he's so easy to get a long with. He enjoys hanging out with my little brother, my only sibling. Which couldn't make me any more thrilled. And I love his family as well. It's just so easy to be his girlfriend. And I hope I make it as easy for him as well. I again am glad God has blessed me with an Angel I can call my boyfriend. I'm so grateful to be bless with such a wonderful person. He's like a talk glass of lemonade when it's hot on summer days. He's exactly what I need. He's soothing like the ocean rushing on the sand. He takes care of me. He helps be a better woman. And I thank you very much James Dylan Napier.



I went to The Outbreak Student Ministry today as I always do each Wednesday evening. There were more people there than usual. And it brought a smile upon my face. People my age are actually taking time out of their day to really praise the Lord; to actually learn more about Jesus. They could be doing anything, playing their Xbox, surfing the net, shopping, hanging out with their friends, do drugs, have sex, sleep. But, they decided to step it up and do something that is important. Something that is vital or should be a main essential in their life. And I would like to thank everyone who has been making this incredible decision. Good job guys. May god bless you all.

When we exchange words.

I can't take my mind off of him.
And My heart beats a little bit faster.
It's racing but it has no idea where the finish line is.

I've been my making my own decisions lately and I'm glad I made the last one. I feel overly prestigious for being able to be the one girl he wants to be with, the girl he desires. Am I being too dramatic? Are my feelings stupid? I think not. Anyone that knows me would know that he is my savior. He's my way out. The guy that came and swept me off my feet. I'm grateful that our feelings are mutual. I thought 2010 would be a horrendous year. Everything was going haywire, my mind was all jumbled and my heart was fried. As soon as I got saved and I sought for God's help not even weeks later did he grant me with an Angel. I'm glad that I finally found someone that makes me happy even when I'm mad. I'm glad I found someone that in so little time I could open my heart to, someone I can be myself around. Funny thing, we're a bit opposite. He's shy around people he might have to be around a lot. And I'm shy around people I'll never see again. He thinks a lot before he talks or takes action, and I only do during "important" times - we all know those times. This guy makes me beyond happy. He warms my heart, captures my soul, and makes me feel ecstatic. I don't ever recall being this happy to have someone new walk into my life. I thank God for this gift. By the way, James your voice is amazing. You have the power to sing me to sleep, make me laugh, and or just entertain me. I love it (:

In love, not yet.

I'm glad I've made the decision.
I'm glad I found someone new.
I'm glad I can start over.
I've gotten saved.
And you've came to my rescue.
No, not only God.
But him, you know who you are.

I'm glad I've made the choice to link myself with him. To make it official. He makes me smile like the sun. He's great. When he asked me why I liked him, my mind went blank. Then all of a sudden it all came to me. He's something new. It's the start of a new beginning. He makes me happy. So far he's given me everything beyond my wildest dreams. He makes me feel comfortable. And I feel like I can be myself. It's just great. At this point in time, I couldn't be any happier. I love how this is going. Thanks James.

The day has come.

That will make everything change.
It's the start of something new.
It ends concludes the chapter.
And officially begins another.

Lately, I've been really busy. I've had drivers school, cheerleading, soccer, and what not. Now that I have nothing to do today, I'm pretty happy. But, the day has come and things are going to change from here. Whether people accept it or not. I'm pretty jubilant. It's time to celebrate. Going to cut it short. I've got to suppress it for a while.

My cerebellum isn't working.

Yeah it's true.

My cerebellum isn't working properly. Or at least it isn't functioning the way I would like it to. It's supposed to help you with your everyday motor skills, your balance, coordination, precision, and timing. So I blame my poor ineffective cerebellum for not being able to aid me in my ambition of wanting to get my running tumbling down. Stupid cerebellum. You know it also controls fears. So yeah. It provides me with fear. It let me down. Bahahaa, sorry poor cerebellum, I still love you.

Well, cheerleading has been great so far. We get a lot accomplished at each practice. It's a big change from last year and I absolutely love it. I love the girls. I love how we're all one big happy family. Well at least for now. It's quite exciting. We have had a home camp which is basically conditioning and prepping for NCA camp at Canal. NCA camp is on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I cannot wait.

Soccer. That's a whole other subject. I loved it. Today was my first practice. And even though I didn't do much because I was dehydrated and kept passing out, I'm sure it isn't bad. The heat was horrible though. The girls are great. And it's a whole different field. I'm not going to say it's nothing compared to cheerleading. They're equally complex and hard. Just in their own little ways. I would love to take both, but I am not sure about the outcome right now. We'll see how the summer goes.

Birthday, Fireworks, Cheerleading,

It's all madness, but I love it.

My birthday was a crazy day. A good turn out but a rainy one at that. Thanks everyone for attending my sweet sixteen. It was a pleasure to have all you guys out here.

Fireworks makes me feel like a pyromaniac. I love the smell of it. I love watching it. But disappointingly I had no sweetheart to share it with. Thank god, I have best friends.

Cheerleading, my one passion. I love it. We're doing new things. We're having a blast. We're in pain, we're sore, but it's worth it. We are a new team, a great one at that.

So, the past couple of weeks have been a tad bit crazy. I really don't know what to type on here. So I'll just post my schedule, just in case you guys want to stalk me, bahhaa.


Monday
Drivers ED 6-10.

Tuesday
Home Cheer Camp 2-5
Drivers Ed 6-10

Wednesday
Home Cheer Camp 2 -5
Parent Meeting 5 - whenever.

Thursday - Saturday.
NCA Cheer Camp 9-4

Being an inamorata all over again.

Make me feel the sense of euphoria (: it's wonderful.

I had quite a conversation with someone today. He tends to lighten up my thoughts, open my mind, and warms my heart, even though it's already blazing hot outside, hehe. But this young man had done it before and he's bound to do it again. He exceptionally wonderful. But we always have our ups and down. And I hope this time we've learned and its helping us become a stronger couple. I just hope so. I conquered my lion. And now I've received what I've wanted. God had granted me with his blessings. He gave me an angel, that will always be there for me despite his situation. I love him very much.

Lately, I've vigorously been bouncing back and forth about my decision to attend church on Wednesdays and Sundays. And I've decided that I will. It helps me become a better person. And I love it. I feel rejuvenated. I feel pure. I love this feeling, the state I'm in and the people that surround me.

<3 32532

Trying to make things work.

You've came home.
And all I want is for everything to work.
I hate regrets, but I wish we could start over.
Let's start from the beginning of last years summer.
I promise everything will be perfect, because you're perfect.

All I do is wonder. So many things are running through my mind. For the past two years, rarely there were ever times where I wasn't thinking about you. And those times were the worst. And those times I regret. We both know those times. And I messed up, I did. And from those times I've learned that you mean the most to me and that I need you to be apart of my life. It's too hard without you. And I simply am being a little selfish, but I need you. I wish you'd forgive me. I wish we could like we were. But that's a lifestyle. And you are the only person that can decide that. I just want to make things work. I just want to satisfy you. It's what makes me happy. And till then I'll miserable. I wish you'd love me. I'd be happy if you even just cared for me a little. I wish you didn't disregard me so much. I remember when I was your one and only. And when I came before so much and you only wanted to make me happy. That was beyond what I wanted. I just want you to love me, be mine, and sometimes make me feel wanted. I try so much for you. I wish I could get back half as much as I put into you. I just wish, sometimes.

Summer time.

Is finally here.
It's June twenty first, the start of summer.

The only reason why I knew this is because winter starts on the twenty first of December. And that date is also a very important date. Five days till my favorite day of the year. I know selfish as it sounds, it's my favorite. But if this day never happened then I wouldn't be able to be selfish would I? I will be sixteen on June 26. I am so thrilled. I'm feeling uneasy about my party. I kind of want to just cancel all of it, but I'm pretty sure that would be quite rude. I'm just going to go on with it. I know of course that I'll be on my best behavior. It would be very distasteful of me to be acting in an unladylike manner. Plus, God will be watching over me and I would not like to disappoint him. I've been really good lately and I am loving it ever so much. I've just missed him a lot. That's the only downfall. I will start to be happy again and then everything just starts crashing. It's not a bad thing that he's on my mind. It's a bad thing that I care for him so much when he may or may not like me at all. It's okay. See, this post was supposed to be about summer. Anyways, I'm pretty sure this summer is going to be full of practices. I doubt that I'm going on vacation. I have two cheerleading camps in the trans from June to July. And I have youth soccer camp at the end of July. I also have youth cheerleading camp in mid August. I'm excited. I'll post later. I need to think about things for a little while.

I aspire to defeat that lion.

Someday, somewhere, somehow.
God will be by my side, he shall help me.
I will not let anything get in my way.
I will defeat those lions.
No one will stop me.

Lately, I've been pondering about something, someone. Not just some miscellaneous thing. Just, a lot about him. Everyone has doubtlessly thought that I was done concerning myself with him. Well, perhaps that was my objective. Perhaps, I wanted everyone to believe I was through with my "old" relationship. Maybe, I just wanted people to get off my back. Of course I wasn't through with what I had. Certainly I wanted to carry on with everything we had, the relationship. All my friends believe that I'm doing the most unethical thing imaginable. But then again they do understand what I'm getting at. If you fall in love it takes a lot to just let go. You have to be insensitive. It takes a lot to fall in love and its going to take twice as much emotion, feeling, and power to get back up again. Just because you're falling doesn't mean you ever have to get back up. Is it okay for one person to have fallen in love for so long and the other person to have yet to do so? I'm not sure. I'm too naive to know things about this matter. But, I am sure that I am doing the right thing right now. I miss him so much. I just want to be with him and be his. It's all i want. He's all I wish for.

Moving on?

To something new.
To experience someone new.
To be a innovative inamorata.

Like I have mentioned earlier. I want to take a chance. I contemplated about taking that specific risk brought up earlier. And I've decided to scratch it. I've got something new. A new venture. And I am going to complete it. That was what I was set on yesterday.

So I must be on a roller coaster. Not only is my emotions going out of wack, but so is my mind. I've gotten myself to think that I've moved on. I am through with what I had and I am all set for what relationships the future throws at me. But is my thinking correct. I guess only I would know. And since I do not, then I'll just have to keep living to find out. It's not that I want to forget what I had, it's that I want to be able to think of something new.

I've been laying here just pondering about things. You all may think nothing of it. But every time we exchange words I begin to like him again and again. But in the end I always end up being heart broken. The nasty words that at the end are being exchange. It's truly disappointing. I just feel like he keeps trying to mess with my mind. I'm not sure if he's thinking what I'm thinking; if his intentions are the same. Whether or not he told me what his intentions are, I still am not certain to find it plausible. I known him well enough to know that he does love me. I'm just baffled. I don't know what to think. I'll just leave it be. Should I go on with the plans we had. Or start new. We'll see.

<3

Feeling a little Rebellious

Because i feel the fire moving through my vain.
The light has turned from red to green.
And I think I am going insane.


Summer '10, do you have to start like this. One person leaves me and my feelings turn melancholy. I'm just not sure of what to think. I will not move on anytime soon. If I get into this correlation, I'll feel too appalled. Yes, he does make me feel on top of the world when we're together. But there's just this one dispute. Should I just take the risk and see where everything goes from there. I'm not sure. And I don't think I'll ever be quite sure. I'm not much of a risk taker. My minds to naive at this moment. We'll see where this road heads.

Friendships, a millions words.

Friendships have been broken,
And friendships will be made.
I'm sure of it.

Lately, people have been saying I've gone haywire. But, maybe its what I want you all to ponder about. I know secretly you guys are all deliberating upon it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this for my enjoyment or for pleasure. It may seem like I am being tactless. And I'm sorry. It's just that I told myself this summer that I'm not going to let anyone get in the way. I'm going to do what I want. And if you want to you can join or you can leave me. It's not like I criticized your way of "living" or have pushed you out of the way. It's just that I wanted to do something for myself for once. It may make you feel uneasy, probably because I've never been this way. But I do hope that all of you who still care to my friend can become accustomed to it. As of right now I'm in the state of recuperating. Everyone should know that. Everyone should know that it's hard enough for me as it is and that if anyone gets in the way of this process, that I physically and mentally need then, it's not going to be good. And if you didn't know that then sorry. I'm sorry for anyone who has been unintentionally hurt during this process. Hopefully you also can recuperate.

I have made many friends lately. And I thank you all so much for being there for me. Though you guys probably didn't even notice what you were doing. You guys are helping me day by day become "me" again. The happy go lucky Megan Khay Phimmasone. I just have been thinking about the old days. The times where I had many friends. A lot of acquaintances, rather than only a couple close friends. It made me feel more secure. And I'm still indecisive. I still don't know which made me happier. And that's what this "process" is helping me to figure out. I hope everyone can just accept that, I need time right now. I want to become friends with all those people I've slowly lost throughout the years. And when I feel I've done that then, I then will feel I have consummate something.

All in all,
My head will sink, and my head will float.
Let it be.

And when I'm ready you will know.

For kicks

And giggles.

Sitting here, I've been thinking about a lot. I have the urge to make new friends. I want to hang out with people, who everyone would least expect me to be with. I want to make a big change. Today has been quite muggy. Not so much sunny. I rained today, but I would have preferred it to be nice outside so I could swim and layout. But I guess I don't have that choice. This was a short post. I'll post on here later. Later.

Commencement

This is the beginning.

Summer is starting. And the school year has come to and end. This isn't just another summer. I'll be turning another year older. Yeah, just like every other summer, but this year it will be more thrilling. I'll be 16 on the twenty sixth day of June, and I cannot be any happier. I've been in the means of organizing my party, but my time has been consumed with "start of the summer" events. Events like graduation parties and what not. But, now that all of those have been progressively been dying down I have been able to find time to plan things. It's a surprise, so I'm not going to say anything about it right now. But, it is on the exact date of my birthday. I don't really know whats going to be going down, but I do know it's going to be enjoyable. Well, I'm wishing for the best. Besides that, I'm keyed up for everything else that's going to take place this summer. Cheerleading is starting back up, and I'm playing soccer. Man oh man those two a days in the early morning are going to kill me. But, I'm up for the hard work and team bonding (: I'm ready for drivers ed with my best friend. And getting my license. I'm just flat out ready. I cannot wait for what this summer beholds. Everyone buckle your seat belts, because it's going to be a crazy summer.


-This may be one of my only blogs where I type in this manner.
Just a heads up its not like my other posts. So read the other ones if you have yet to.

Goodbye, No See you later!

Leaving for good?
No. Not at all. Never.

When people leave all you want is for them to miss you. As selfish as it sounds, it's true. It's not like you aren't going to miss them. In all actuality you'll probably miss them more. When you've shared so many memories, it's hard to let go. It's hard to know that for a while you won't be making any with that particular someone. And for some people it's hard to know you won't be making more memories at all. I just hope he figures everything out. And truly understands that I've never lied to him about my feelings concerning him. And that I've never done anything to intentionally hurt him. My feelings towards him are very profound. There's this word, love. It has many meanings. And people often over use it. Or incorrectly assume the wrong meaning. And for that being I do not use it often. But in this affair, I do. It may seem habitual, but I do love him. With all my heart, soul, and meaning. I love him. I hope he doesn't forget me. I hope he doesn't disregard everything we've ever had. I'm going to miss him. Dear God, help us all.


Just a thought,
Don't let little things be blown out of proportion.

Doors close

As many open.



As doors of the past close, more doors open. Windows are opening and everyone is letting in the fresh air. Opening the window of opportunities. The graduation ceremony on June 1st, 2010 was spectacular. Melinda Cassidy was the Valedictorian, her speech was very good. Emily Crumley was the President of her class. Her speech too was as good. I know it had to take a lot of hard work and dedication along with the strong class bonding you guys had to get through those 13 years together. And Congratulations for finally graduating. You guys did it!

Summer '10 is right around the corner. Memories will be made. People will be come friends, some will become enemies. Summer is the best time of year. So let's start this one with a boom.

You'll always be keen to my mind

There's not day where I'm not thinking about you, a day where you don't cross my mind. I do yearn for you. Not a day goes by where I don't miss you. You've enlightened my mind and warmed my heart. We've shared so many fond memories, I'd kill to live them over again. When I'm down, I replay them in my head over and over again. I miss you, I do. I would do anything to be with you again, hoping you'd feel the same way too. Don't take me wrong, I understand that not all our memories were delightful. But those memories helped to build the strong love that we had. The strong love that we both think of. The love that makes us want to be whole again. I hold you dear to my heart, and close to my soul. Seeing you and not truly being with you makes me feel like everything I do means nothing. Nothing to anyone. That I am indistinguishable to you. You're just so endearing, I do not understand why anyone would look down upon you. But then again I do. Reason being is that you have not and will not open up to anyone. And I'm lucky to see a part of you that took a lingering time to open up. I miss you so. And I can not wait to be with you yet again. I love you.

A matter of time.

And that time is all up to you. The amount you spend, the rate at which you spend it, and the quality of which it turns out to be. Time has been found to be the most valuable thing anyone can spend. But most people take it for granted, as they do with money and such things they treasure dearly. It is very common for people to take for granted the most valuable things they have, that is to say they mistreat the people they love dearly before they would mistreat strangers. I have been pondering about this comportment and came about to this explanation. The justification I have came up with to the best of my knowledge is that to mistreat loved ones is also like playing a game in which the goal is to test the limits. The limits in this "game" is how much cruelty a love one will take, before they will no longer love the other again. The result of overplay is very harmful. Thus saying time should be spent wisely with those you treasure dearly, because they remain alongside you through the obstacles we stumble upon no matter the complexity in which it beholds.